my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
