Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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