Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
