I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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