everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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