normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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