I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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