Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
