It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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