I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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