i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
