I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
