My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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