I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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