The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
