The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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