can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
