He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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