I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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