What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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