Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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