i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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