what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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