My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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