Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
