I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
