you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
