Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i out mim tonsoeep
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
