That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
