i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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