I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
