if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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