I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
