i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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