Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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