i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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