She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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