At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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