Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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