mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
