dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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