I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
