Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
