I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
