I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
