I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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