You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
