i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
