i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
