I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
