Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
