i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
