I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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