I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
