I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
