my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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