I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
