So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We were destined to go to rehab together
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
