i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
