I think I died a long time ago.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
