I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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