I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
